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The Joke Thread


Synergy

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Why don't black people like country music?

Because every time some one shouts hoedown some body thinks they've lost a daughter.

i did that one already

This guy got fired for shagging his patients, which was a shame because apart from that he was a really good vet.

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Whats the fastest food?

Scone

Whats the second fastest?

Meringue

(really shit joke but i need to make my presence in this thread known)

2 monkeys in a bath, one goes "ooo ooo ahh ahhh ooo" and the the other says "well put some cold in"

Guy goes to doctors and says "Doctor I've hurt my arm in several places" and the doctor says "Well don't go there again"

A guy goes to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. The butcher said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A girl drowned in a bowl of museli because she got pulled under by a current

A guy goes to a seafood disco the other week and pulled a mussell

An ice cream man was found dead in his van, covered in hundreds and thousands. The police said he topped himself

A man goes to a doctors saying "doctor I can't stop singing 'Whats new pussycat' " The doctor says "Hmmm sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me" The man asks "Is it common" and the doctor says "It's not unusual"

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him

down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"

A woman takes her duck to a vet, with its head all limp and lifeless and asks the vet whats wrong. "Im afraid its dead" "what? it can't be, you haven't done any tests on it" "No i can assure you its dead" The woman now angry demands he performs tests on the dead duck. So he walks out and brings back a chocolate labrador. The dog sniffs the duck, shakes its head and walks back out with the vet. He then returns with a tortoise shell cat who again sniffs the duck, shakes its head and walks out. The vet comes back in and says "yeah its dead. That'll be £250 please" The woman shocked exclaims "WHY?!" "Well it would have been £5 if you'd have taken my word for it, but the labreport and the cat scan bumped the price up to £250"

From tommy cooper:

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the samething on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in

That'll do for now

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From tommy cooper:

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the samething on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in

Hahaaha, hes a leg-end!

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A man is suffering from terrible constipation, hasn't gone for weeks.

So he goes to this doctor who can supposedly help him. He explains his situation to the doctor.

The doctor gives him a pill, and a 50p coin. he says " Takes this pill and go to the public loo down on the street.

So the man goes down, goes in the toilet and tries to do his stuff. Unsuccessful, he returns to the doctor and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor gives him a more powerful pill plus another 50p, and tells the man to repeat the process.

Again it doesn't work and the man comes back.

Stumped, the doctor gives the man a larger pill and explains," this pill is used on horses, this must work". The man takes the pill, goes to leave, doctor gives him another 50p.

Ten minutes later there is another knock at the door. Dishevelled the doctor goes to answer. Outside the man is stood smelling of crap.

And quite embarresedly says." the coin was bent, don't suppose you have anything for chronic diarrhea.

Just read it, doesn't sound quite right. Meh, nevermind. :closedeyes:

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A man goes into the Doctors and says "Doctor everywhere I touch it hurts" The Doctor says "You've broke your finger".

"Doctor doctor i feel like a pair of curtains!" the doctor replies "pull yourself together man"

"Doctor doctor i only have 59 seconds to live!" The doctor replies "Wait a minute"

Back in primary they made me laugh. Good ol' days

Edited by Barber
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"Doctor doctor i feel like a pair of curtains!" the doctor replies "pull yourself together man"

"Doctor doctor i only have 59 seconds to live!" The doctor replies "Wait a minute"

Back in primary they made me laugh. Good ol' days

Your just gay nath, get a life. :P

Nah there classic's, good old days.

I have the best one:

"A man walks into a bar............OW". :lol:

Dan.

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A Horse walks in to a bar the bartender says "why the long face?"

A bear walks into a bar he orders a pint of larger..................................and a packet of crisps, the bartender says why the big paws?"

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Geezer Goes to Collect his car from the garage after having some work done.

The Mechanic says "thats £200 Please" so the Geezer says, "hows about a bet, double or nothing.

"im not to sure" says the mechanic.

"come on, you could make £200 for yourself here" he says.

So The Mechanic Agrees.

"right, you can take any key from your board, stick it up my arse, and Ill tell you what car, year and colour it is"

the mechanic, stumped, does it. The Geezer drops his Kecks and bends over, and the Mechanic inserts the 1st key.

"HHHmmmm, Its Flat pressed, Tumbler stlye. I guess a 1984 Ford Escort, In Blue"

"Holy crap, your right" mechanic says.

next key goes in

"ah, a round key, coded style. 1999 Toyota Hylux, Black"

"well f**k me, how did you do that?"

Geezer says Sorry I cant say. Lets do the last one and finish this."

So the Mechanic thinks to himself 2im gunna loose out here, lets screw it up for him"

He picks up a spark plug, and Shouts "BOSH have that" and chucks it up his Arse.

The Geezer Simply Says "No mate, it an NGK!!"

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Im not a racist but these jokes are:

Q. What do you call a pakkie in a microwave?

A. Pack ding

Q.What do you call alot of black people in a swimming pool?

A. Coco pops

Q. What do you call an arab going out with a fit bird?

A. Asif

Sorry about the racism, its not good to be a racist

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George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/3 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/3 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what happened to Stanley?".

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See'ing as I got harrased for being anit racist before, here's an addition from my mums mate, on a text message.

'Sorry I have'nt seen you recently, Theres been a black out on my street. No one could leave there houses till they shot him.'

Edited by Tom Booth
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