The Joke Thread

[Lee Cable]

what the difference between a chav and a fanny..

Nothing, there both c**ts!

[PaRtZ]

2 hats walking down a road. one says to the other "you wait here, ill go on a head"

[Dan6061]

Just got this in an email.

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is

worth

reflecting on the death of a very important person, which went almost

unnoticed

last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the

age of

93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, ....... then the trouble started.

regards

[SamHolmes]

2 hats walking down a road. one says to the other "you wait here, ill go on a head"

Lmao

[Smo™]

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked its

entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was

taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in

particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only

seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also

arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up

the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat

down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!

Put this American in his place!"

A British gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you

Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the

wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the bloody

window."

[Joel]

HAHA! Classic Smo. Who said that?

Here is one i heard on BBC Radio 4. It is not correct word to word but it is the main line. It might not be as funny as hearing the guy say it.

A middle aged coulpe were asleep and there house was on fire. They both woke up panicing.

"Ohh my god! Our house is on fire!"

The man says "The first thing to do in a emergency is to keep carm and not panic!"

"How do we do that! Our house is on fire!"

"I heard the best thing to do to go carm is to breathe deeply"

[T-BAD]

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

" It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

[the_soon_to_be]

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.

As he's :xxx: her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right. The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."

The American says, "What does that mean?"

He says, "Wrong hole."

[Has anyone seen my shoe?]

Q: A black person, an asian person and a jewish person jumps off a cliff. Who wins??

A: Society.

HAHA Awesome

Q: Whats faster then a Black person with a TV?

A: His brother with the DVD player.

Q:Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

A: The Wheelchair

2 English men and a Japanese man get recruited to work on a building site. The project manager assigns English man 1 to construction, English man 2 to logistics and the Japanese man to supplies. Having left the men to it the project manager comes back and sees nothing has been done. He speaks to the English men and they say 'We haven't been abloe to do anything, we dont have any supplies'. The project manager asks where the Japanese man is, the Englishmen point to a pile of rubble. The project manager goes over the the pile of rubble and out jumps the Japanese man....

SUPPLIES!!!

[Si-man]

HAHA Awesome

Q: Whats faster then a Black person with a TV?

A: His brother with the DVD player.

Q:Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

A: The Wheelchair

2 English men and a Japanese man get recruited to work on a building site. The project manager assigns English man 1 to construction, English man 2 to logistics and the Japanese man to supplies. Having left the men to it the project manager comes back and sees nothing has been done. He speaks to the English men and they say 'We haven't been abloe to do anything, we dont have any supplies'. The project manager asks where the Japanese man is, the Englishmen point to a pile of rubble. The project manager goes over the the pile of rubble and out jumps the Japanese man....

SUPPLIES!!!

Ahahahahahahahahaha, i actually laughed out loud at that one!!!!!

[Has anyone seen my shoe?]

Ahahahahahahahahaha, i actually laughed out loud at that one!!!!!

One of my favorites

Couple more but I dont want to turn this into that other thread about political correctness jokes

[Si-man]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

[PaRtZ]

George bush and Tony Blair are walking in a park when they see a very fit woman with her head stuck in some railings. George looks around and sees no one is watching, pulls her pants down and gives her one from behind. Then when hes finished he says "Go on Tony, your turn" to which Tony replies "I better not, I don't think my head will fit in the railings"

Sally and Sammie are talking in Sammie's house. Sammie asks "can I borrow your file to file my parrots beak?" "I don't think so, you'll kill your parrot if you do that" Sally replies. "No its ok I'll be gentle" "OK then" and Sally fetches her file for Sammie.

The next day Sammie comes back. "I've killed my parrot!" Sally says "See! I told you that filiing it would kill it" to which Sammie says "No it wasn't that that killed it. I think I put it in the vice too hard"

Edited June 29, 2006 by PaRtZ

[PaRtZ]

an elderly couple decide one day they want to have sex, so they do, and afterwards they're both lying side by side. The man thinks, "If I'd have known she was a virgin I wouldn't have pushed so hard" while the woman was thinking "If I'd have known he could get it up I would have taken my tights off"

[Will Arnold]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

haha, thats brilliant

[Has anyone seen my shoe?]

Too far.

Whats wrong with people today?

Who gives a shit as long as im not going out beating [insert 'minority' here] then who cares?

Me and my mate are always talking about niggers/wogs/gollywogs/theifs/shitters because its funny and its gets up peoples backs.

I dont hate black people, I know one quite well and he knows more nigger jokes then me.

[br3n]

People get offended too easily

[Has anyone seen my shoe?]

People get offended too easily

What a picture

[saracen--mad]

1. a man walks into a bar ouch you would have thought he would have seen it lol

2. a blonde and a brunett in a race which one wins?

the brunnet because the blonde had to ask for directions

3. wat do udo if a blonde throws a granande at you?

pull the pin out and throw it back

Edited July 11, 2006 by saracen--mad

[Simon]

Not only are you shit at selling/buying, but you are shit at jokes too. Well done.

[blinky]

seconded lol.

o well, here goes:

why dont black people like country and western music?

Because every time they hear "hoe down" they think someone shot their sister.

[Ben Cox]

seconded lol.

o well, here goes:

why dont black people like country and western music?

Because every time they hear "hoe down" they think someone shot their sister.

hahahaha, quality!!!!!

[br3n]

Why do black people only have nightmares?

the last one that had a dream got shot

[poopipe]

haaaha, qualitier !!

[Smo™]

Why do black people only have nightmares?

the last one that had a dream got shot