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A guy walks into the chemist and says to the lady behind the counter, 'Hi, I'd like to buy some condoms for my 11 year old daughter.' Astonished the woman replies 'Good god. Your daughter is sexually active at age 11?'

'No,' replied the man, 'she just lies there like her mother.'

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A guy walks into the chemist and says to the lady behind the counter, 'Hi, I'd like to buy some condoms for my 11 year old daughter.' Astonished the woman replies 'Good god. Your daughter is sexually active at age 11?'

'No,' replied the man, 'she just lies there like her mother.'

i could so feel that coming

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:lol: Some more:

A nurse walks into a bank and goes to write a cheque. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment. Then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great. Some arsehole's got my pen."

In the grotto, Santa asks a little girl what she'd like for Christmas. "I'd like Barbie and Action Man". "Doesnt Barbie come with Ken? " asked Santa. "No," says the little girl, "she comes with Action Man, she just fakes it with Ken."

Man: Doctor you've got to help me, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse!

Doctor: How's that?

Man: Don't you Fu**ing start!

Two old women were chatting in a tea shop when one asks the other: "Did you come on the bus?"

The other replies: "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Did you hear the two television aerials got married?

The wedding was shit but the reception was excellent

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

The boss was in quandry - he had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. But it was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the following day with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went over to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her: "Debra," he said, "I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack-off?" she said. "I feel like shit."

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000...." "Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?" "Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Wayne Rooney goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused." The doctor replies, " I'm not surprised, you're a fanny."

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?

He felt his presents

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," said the vet.

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These two are fantastic

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?

He felt his presents

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," said the vet.

genuine laughter... :D

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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

:ermm:

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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

:ermm:

hahahahaha love it!

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German are having a drink in an illegal

bar in Saudi and are caught by the religious police.

They are brought before the judge and offered one request before receiving 100 lashings.

The German requests a pillow be tied on his back. His wish is granted,

and after his lashings, his back is still badly lacerated.

The Frenchman watching this then makes his request - "can I have two

pillows tied to my back". His wish is granted and he suffers less lacerations.

The Englishman then asks: " can I have two requests please". The judge

says, "because Britain is a tolerant multi-cultural and religious country, yes

you can". The Englishman says "could you increase my lashings from 100 to 1000 as

a sign of my sincere repentance". The judge is incredulous and praises God

for this act of humbleness, and then grants the Englishman his request.

The judge then asks what is his second request. And the Englishman

responds:

"can you tie the Frenchman to my back"

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German are having a drink in an illegal

bar in Saudi and are caught by the religious police.

They are brought before the judge and offered one request before receiving 100 lashings.

The German requests a pillow be tied on his back. His wish is granted,

and after his lashings, his back is still badly lacerated.

The Frenchman watching this then makes his request - "can I have two

pillows tied to my back". His wish is granted and he suffers less lacerations.

The Englishman then asks: " can I have two requests please". The judge

says, "because Britain is a tolerant multi-cultural and religious country, yes

you can". The Englishman says "could you increase my lashings from 100 to 1000 as

a sign of my sincere repentance". The judge is incredulous and praises God

for this act of humbleness, and then grants the Englishman his request.

The judge then asks what is his second request. And the Englishman

responds:

"can you tie the Frenchman to my back"

oh my god that is f**kin ace hahahaha!!!

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How do you get a million Pikachus on a bus?

Poke em on!

:huh:

Ollllllllllldddddd but still made me chuckle

:lol: Q: Why do Niggers always have sex on the brain?

A: Because they've got pubic hair on their heads.

Q: How do you define "confusion"?

A: Father's Day in Harlem.

Anyway thats enough black jokes for now.

Edited by Has anyone seen my shoe?
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Guy wins millions on the lottery and goes on a shopping spree to get the best of everything. He goes into a shoe shop and demands the best shoes that they have, shoes that nobody else will have. The shop owner goes to the store room and brings out a pair of shoes. He says "these shoes are made from genuine human skin, nobody else you'll ever see will have a pair of these, they retail at £50,000". The millionaire really takes a liking to them but thinks it's a bit much to pay, even if they are made of human skin. The shop owner replies "if you really don't want to spend that much, we do them in black for £4.99"

:D

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Right a blonde woman has a very bad argument with her boyfriend so she says to her mate right i've had enough i'm going to hang myself! 1 hour later her mate is taking her dog out when she sees her mate (the blonde one) hanging upside down from a tree with a rope tied round her feet , she goes over and says arnt you suposed to hang yourself by the neck and the blonde woman replies yeah i tried that but i couldn't breath!

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  • 3 months later...

bump :rolleyes:

What do you call a woman who can clean the plates with her left hand, do the ironing with ther right hand, hoover with her left foot, polish with her right foot, open your beer with her arse, whilst giving you a blowjob at the same time?

A swiss army wife :)

Why do black people have short trousers?

Because their negros

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