Synergy Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman." "What?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my f**king perch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fishy Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 LMFAO, awesome... Made me chuckle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fishy Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 (edited) A man with no limbs was sitting on a beach, when 3 of the most beautiful women walked up to him.The first one said, "have you ever been hugged?" And the man replied no, so she hugged him.The second one said, "have you ever been kissed?" And the man replied no, so she kissed him.The third one said, "you ever been f**ked?" and the man replied no, then she said "you will be wen the tide comes in"Bus full of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St Peter asks te first nun "have you ever had contact with a penis? She says "I touched one with my finger" St Peter says "put your hand in holy water"Suddenly theres a commotion, a nun pushes to the front, St Peter asks "whats up?"She replies " If I'm going to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before sister Ann sticks her arse in it" Edited April 21, 2006 by Joe Rothwell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawnmowerman Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 What did one paedophile say to the other? Swap you two 5's for a 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Booth Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 Whats 30 feet long and smells of piss? Que at the post office Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ding_dong Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 hahaha i love the guy on the beach, i have a couple that i KNOW but don't like as they are racist and i don't want to post them here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaRtZ Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 This isn't mine its my dad honestly but Im just seeing if anyon actually likes it:Did you hear about the magical tractor?It turned into a potato field How many skaters does it take to change a light bulb? 3. 1 to do it, 1 to film it and one to say "yeaaahhhhh!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamtrials Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 (edited) This isn't mine its my dad honestly but Im just seeing if anyon actually likes it:Did you hear about the magical tractor?It turned into a potato field Hahaha thats ace- Adam - says:Did you hear about the magical tractor?It turned into a potato field- SmarterChild - says:No, I didn't hear about the magical tractor. Edited April 21, 2006 by adamtrials Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexxx Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 What do you call postman pat when he's retired??PatAlex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeNNy Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 ...Why did the jelly wobble???...Cos it saw the Milk shake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamHolmes Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 Two fish in a tank...One says to the other 'I hope you know how to drive this' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon Posted April 21, 2006 Report Share Posted April 21, 2006 Two fish in a tank...One says to the other 'I hope you know how to drive this' Must be late, as i laughed so hard at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ogre Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 New millitary brand cillit bang nukes, BANG and the terrorists are gone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alan Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 Patrick walks into his local bar and says to the landlord "wheres michael today" to which the bar tender replied "oh didn't you hear, he died" "he died? How did he die?" "he got his finger run overr by a train" Patrick breaks down in tears, Then says "wait a minute, how did he die from getting his finger run over?" " He was picking his nose at the time....... Funnyer when youtell it in an irish accent! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Booth Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 How does Bob Marley like his donuts?? Wi' jam in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Campbell Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 (edited) What animal has a c**t in the middle of its back?A Police horse.What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas? A Pinball MachineDan Edited April 22, 2006 by dan_brisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Si-man Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 What animal has a c**t in the middle of its back?A Police horse.Dan hahahah quality!!Made milk come out my nose then haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Has anyone seen my shoe? Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 You were drinking milk at the time yes? Otherwise thats f**ked up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trials_pimp Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 1)2 blondes walk into a bar.Youd have thought one of them had seen it.2)A zookeeper starts his jobs for the day.The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a Huge fish jumps out and bites him.To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he Do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the Spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - Because lions eat anything.Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another Lion and says, "What's the food like here?"Wait for it....The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and Chimps With mushy bees."3)I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?"( You're gonna love this..... )"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"4)THE CLASSIC VERSION:> > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house > and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, > and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is > warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he > dies out in the cold.> > > > THE END> > > THE BRITISH VERSION:> > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house > and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, > and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is > warm and well fed.> > The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why > the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less > fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.> > The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with > cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden > with food.> > Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper > is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.> > The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate > in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural > festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them > singing "We Shall Overcome"> > Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the ant has > gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate > tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".> > In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and > Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the > summer.> > The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire > grasshoppers as helpers.> > Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive > taxes, the government repossesses his home.> > The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful wine-exporting company.> > A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last > of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council > house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles > around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.> > Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to > head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.> > The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mirror blames it > on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair > arising from social inequity.> > The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by > the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who > promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.> > THE END Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Clark Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 What has two legs and bleeds profusely?Half a cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamHolmes Posted April 22, 2006 Report Share Posted April 22, 2006 A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint...The barman replies, 'Why the long face?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Jones Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 Two middle aged male Dwarfs who have known eachother all their lives decided to buy a lottery ticket together one day.To their suprise they won 10 million pounds, and decided to go to Las Vagus and splash out on all the luxury stuff they've ever wanted.While they were out there one dwarf said "i know, we should get ourselves a couple of show girls and take them too our rooms", so they went downstairs and paid these girls to come up to their rooms.They each went into their own rooms with these girls, and in one dwarfs room, he got her undressed, then suddenly he said "i'm really sorry love...but...i can't get it up" The dwarf was really embarrased, and over heard the room next door, where his friend was. All he could hear through the walls was "1...2....3....HUUUH!!!"The dwarf was so terrible embarrased he kept saying "i'm really really sorry, normally i can get it up, it isn't you" the show girl was very understanding but envious of the girl next door, who sounded to be having a great time. And again they heard, "1...2...3...HUUUHH!!The next morning the two dwarfs met at breakfast downstairs, and one the unfortunate dwarf said, "you wouldn't believe what happened last night, i couldn't get it up!!" To which the other dwarf replied "COULDN'T GET IT UP!? i COULDN'T EVEN GET ON THE BED!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Cox Posted May 15, 2006 Report Share Posted May 15, 2006 (edited) a nice friendly joke here lol:What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?Nothing youv'e already told her twice. Edited May 15, 2006 by Ben Cox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomturd Posted May 15, 2006 Report Share Posted May 15, 2006 q) Why did the baker have smelly hands?a) He needed a poo.-----------------------------------------------My own: (*clears throat*)q) What do you call an egyptian mummy with road rage?a) Tootin Ma Horn -----------------------------------------------This one really needs to be done in person.. but what the hell.q) What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?a) *gargling noises* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alun Goch Posted May 15, 2006 Report Share Posted May 15, 2006 What's brown and sticky?A stick Alun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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