Just 4 Mr Weston

[rugbyman]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the

morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said

"Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him

over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought

Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it

ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,

folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

*****************************************************************************

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when

his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in

County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially

declaring war on you."

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how

big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's

calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry,

and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army

waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is

still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from

the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks,

14,000 armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a

half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We

have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Ted's ultra-light

with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as

well."

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I

have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is

surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last

spoke, my army has increased to two million men."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am

sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed

two million prisoners."

************************************************************************

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to

show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large

gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow

with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****

sake, you b*stard, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

**********************************************************************

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are

charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your

Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You

****ing b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and

said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this

crime, but will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall

charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen

years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to

borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"