fruitbat Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.""Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well !" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform ! you tha t we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?""Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."Sorry if anyone is offended, upset, has no sense of humour or just wants to moan but i quite liked it.Frooty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinky Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 haha nice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Has anyone seen my shoe? Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 Two irish men find a mirror in the road. The first one looks in it and says "I recognise that face but I cant put a name to it". The 2nd guy looks in it and says "You idiot, thats me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaRtZ Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 lmfao long but funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash-Kennard Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 awesome stuff, why are we ripping the irish so much recently?carry on though, tis very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Has anyone seen my shoe? Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greetings Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 i dunno why you people keep making fun of the irish, it's a bit unfair, but still some of the jokes are great it's like we make fun of the germans russians and ourselves Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Cox Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 im sure jake(random numbers) will have problem with this lol, but i find it fooking hi larious Ben Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScotchDave Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 A Scotsman, an English man and an Irish man all want to joint the marines.So they wander down to a recruiting day, the English man walks up to the officer and goes, "I want in to the demolition unit"Officer: Go blow up that building over there.English man goes over blows up the building and comes back.Officer: How many letters in the alphabet?English man: 26"Ok you're in".So the Scots man wanders up and goes: I want in to the army, and I wanna blow shit up.Officer: Go blow up that building over there.Scots man goes over blows up the building and comes back.Officer: How many letters in the alphabet?Scots man: 26"Ok you're in".So the Irish lad saunters up: I want in too.Officer: Go blow up that building over there.Irish man man goes over blows up the building and comes back.Officer: How many letters in the alphabet?English man: 24Officer: How'd you get that?Irirsh man: Well I just blew up B&Q. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoyoyo Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 (edited) Those are all pretty funny, especially the main one. Plus div, i think on the last bit of your joke you've put english man where i think you meant irish Edited March 22, 2006 by yoyoyo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simpson Posted March 23, 2006 Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Legend my dad liked them as wellshame my litercary was so poor reading it out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walleee Posted March 23, 2006 Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Nah, your all shite at rugby sure anyway Y'all just taking out your frustrations over that, I understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Has anyone seen my shoe? Posted March 23, 2006 Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Come over that sea and say that bitch features.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walleee Posted March 23, 2006 Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 I'd rather stay here as it's much better thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Has anyone seen my shoe? Posted March 23, 2006 Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 (edited) Meh, i disliked living in northern ireland with a passion.6 years of my live WASTED!!! Edited March 24, 2006 by Has anyone seen my shoe? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walleee Posted March 23, 2006 Report Share Posted March 23, 2006 Meh, i didliked living in northern ireland with a passion.6 years of my live WASTED!!!Where, English class?Had you gone to school in N.I. you'd know how to form sentances.... we do have a better education system than you lot afterall...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poopipe Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 Where, English class?Had you gone to school in N.I. you'd know how to form sentances.... we do have a better education system than you lot afterall...... thats garbage - you're clever cos of all the potatos and guinness Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BONGO Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 lol, the way i actually sat here and read it outloud with irish accents and french accent!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anzo Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 lol, the way i actually sat here and read it outloud with irish accents and french accent!!!Lol, I wasn't the only one then. Although I read it in my head I need to work on my Irish accent... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarky Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endofreak Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish Joke...".The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's the difference between the Welsh and a jet engine? A jet engine eventually stops whining. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Scotsman stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The Scotsman helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?""That's right," says the Scotsman.The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?" "Good God lady," exclaimed the Scotsman, "you have a set of golf clubs in that bag too?!?!'--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anzo Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bagSurely they'd be a bit wet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poopipe Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish Joke...".The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"those two are classics - expect to receive them from a friend or family member via email in about 2 months Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anzo Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 A Red Bull walks into a bar, Barman says 'hey mate, we've got a drink named after you!'...The bull replies 'What, Eric?'A man walks into a bar, ouch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Urpedigreechumdog Posted March 24, 2006 Report Share Posted March 24, 2006 How do you stop niggers hanging around in your front garden?Hang them in the back garden Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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