Favorite Jokes

[Tom Booth]

rofl at the family guy weather man, did anybody see this interview with the black man on bbc1 news the day after the storm in new orleans? when he was on about he was holding his with then he just screamed ' And den she gon'!!!!!!'

Reminded me of the family guy bloke so much.

Tom

Edited September 9, 2005 by Tom Booth

[Has anyone seen my shoe?]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

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Comedy at its best.

Joke 1:

A muscular chav is sat at a bar when obviously gay man walks up to him.

The gay man whispers 'Want a Blow Job?'

The chav takes the man outside a beats the shit out of him.

As he sits back down the bartender looks at him in shock.

'Why did you do that Kev?'

'He said something about a job.'

Joke 2:

A man dicides hes had enough to drink and dicides to leave the pub.

When he tries to get up he falls over.

So he thinks to himself 'I must have had a lot to drink, ill go outside and get some fresh air.'

He crawls outside and tries to get up again but just falls over.

'Woah, i've had way too much to drink. Ill have to crawl home'

So the man crawls all the way home.

When he gets to his and his wifes room she is sat on the end of bed waiting for him.

'You've been drinking havent you?' she says.

'How do you know?'

'The pub phoned you left your wheelchair'

[D-L-B]

A passenger jet is loosing fuel fast, over the ocean, and they ditch all the cargo to try and get them to safety quicker but it still isn't enough. The co-pilot comes into the cabin and announces that they're going to have to start loosing passengers too.

Co-pilot: "We're going to have to start throwing passengers off and we'll be doing it alphabetically. So, first Africans then Blacks then Coons..."

A young black boy turns to his father and says: "That be us pa?.."

His father replies: "No bwoy. We is Niggers!"

[RicH_87]

The Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

The rest is history.

[mat hudson]

hahahahha :-