Political Correctness Jokes

[RicH_87]

2 englishmen and a japanese person are given jobs at a construction yard. The foreman comes up to them to greet them and says right "englishman one will be in charge of labour, englishman two will b in charge of surveying and the japanese person will be in charge of supplies"

3 weeks later the foreman comes back to inspect the workers, only to find no progress. He approaches to 2 englishmen and demands "WHy has no work been done?"

"Well we couldn't do anything because we had no spades"

"RIGHT WHERES THE JAPANESE BLOKE?"

The two men pointed towards a pile of rubble. The foreman started walking up to the pile when the japanese man jumped out and shouted

"SUPPLIES!!"

←

LMAO!

[onza t-bird]

Whats better than winning a gold at the parylympics?

Having legs!

[yoyoyo]

There are three people on the empir state building.1 English 1 american and 1 irish. The american says you can jump of here and fly back up.They don't believe him and so he shows them.Then the irishman tries it and plummets to his death.The englishman says to the american,"your a b*****d when your drunk superman.

It's quite old but it's the only one i can think of. And i can't remember exactly how you tell it

[guineasmithpig]

a baby is born dead in hospital. the little dead baby goes up to heaven. when the little dead baby gets to heavens gates, the guy at the gate says

'sorry, we're full. you can't come in'

dead baby says 'oh but i really wanted to go to heaven!?'

guy at the gate says 'tell u what, take these wings. u can be a cherub'

so off flies the little baby with a bow n arrow, n does his cherub duties

the next week, another little baby is born dead. the little dead baby goes up to heaven. when the little dead baby gets to heavens gates, the guy at the gate says

'sorry, we're full. you can't come in'

dead baby says 'oh but i really wanted to go to heaven!?'

guy at the gate says 'tell u what, take these wings. u can be a cherub'

so off the baby flies with a little harp, makin everyone happy (n stuff)

the next week, a little black baby is born dead. the little dead black baby goes up to heaven. when the little dead black baby gets to heavens gates, the guy at the gate says

'sorry, we're full. u can't come in'

little dead black baby says 'oh, but i really wanted to go to heaven!?'

guy at the gate says, 'tell u what, take these wings. you can be a bat'

[Urpedigreechumdog]

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.

She says to him: "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, But why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies: "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."

"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i.

As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see you. Are you OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.

He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample bottle, Joanne sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That's quite nice innit, don't you think Trace?"

"Yeah, what's it called?"

"Viens a moi"

"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"

Joanne takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like

come to you?"

Just adding more to the collection...

[B-Line]

not sure if this one has been said

Q:whats the diffrence between a picnic table and a black man?

A: a picnic table can support a family

Q: how do you get 10 dead babies out of a blender?

A: Nachos/ Straw

[PaRtZ]

Ok heres an old one but a classic :shifty:

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are at a fairground and they stumble through some bushes to find a magic helter-skelter. The ride operator says to them all "whatever you shout on the way down, you'll land in at the bottom" So cunningly the englishman flies down and shouts "GOLD!!!!!!". At the bottom he lands in an enourmos pile of gold coins, scoops them up and walks off pretty chuffed.

The intelligent Irishman flies down and shouts "CHRIS KING HUBS!!!!!". At the bottom him falls into a guargantuan pile of mulitcoloured CK hubs, gathers them all together and goes off to sell them cheap on ebay.

The foolsih Scotsman wasn't listening and goes down and shouts "WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" And lands in a big green puddle.

Whats the connection between a bad cook making pancakes, and gordon ramsey?

They're both stupid tossers

(although not a politically correct joke)

Whats green and goes up and down????

A gooseberry in a lift :shifty:

[trials_pimp]

In the event of offence,

heres 20p, call someone that gives a crap :shifty:

3 men in a pub.

1st bolke says, hey guys what hand do you wank with?

2nd guy says, the right, and hold the remote for the tv in the left

3rd guy says, the left, and use the mouse in the right

2nd guy says, so how about you?

1st guy, well I use my right, and hold the sponge with my left.

2nd guy, whys that? to clean up after?

1st guy, no, while Im washing the kids

Whats the difference between and dead deer, and a dead Black man?

Theres skid marks running up to the deer

Would you run over a Black man on a bike?

No, chances are its your bike

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[PaRtZ]

Ahh to bump this lovely thread:

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty, to the optimist its half full. To the engineer, its twice as big as it needs to be

Gareth gates walks into a newsagents to buy a mars bar. He comes out with 8,000 packets of M&M's

George Bush and Al gore are walking in a park when they see a very fit woman with her head stuck in some rails. Looking around, Bush quickly takes of his trousers and shags her. After he's finished he says to Al 'Go on Al, your turn. To which Al replies 'I don't think my head will fit in those railings'

Your turn

[fruitbat]

Did you hear the one about the 2 chavs that got hit by a cop car last week?One was sent hurtling 30 foot away into a ditch and the other slammed skull first through the windscreen.

One was charged with breaking and entering and the other for leaving the scene of an accident.

(im sure you will all love that being anti-chav)

What do you call 2 scoucers in a 3 bedroom semi?

Burgulars!()

Edited January 19, 2006 by fruitbat

[Tom Booth]

Anyone hear about elton johns gay marrige splitting up? Turns out his partners been doing the duuurty behind his back

[anzo]

A red bull goes into a pub, barman says "ayup mate! We've got a drink named after you", the bull replies "What, Eric?"

[poopipe]

Whats black and blue and red all over?

A rape victim.

no no no.

it's 'what's black and blue and hates sex?'

anyway...

what do you do after you've raped a deaf and dumb girl ?

...break her fingers so she can't tell her mum

ooh, and this one.

A little boy and a child molester are walking through the woods late at night.

"i'm scared" says the little boy.

"you're alright" says the child molester "i've got to walk back on my own"

Edited January 20, 2006 by poopipe

[mat hudson]

whats the difference between a gay man and a microwave?

a microwave doesnt brown your meat.

[Davetrials]

what do you do after you've raped a deaf and dumb girl ?

...break her fingers so she can't tell her mum

Thats so harsh but so f**king funny.

[Bendee]

whats the best way for a black pregnant woman to fight crime?

have a abortion.

whats the difference between a black man and a couch?

a couch can suport a family.

whats the difference between dog shit and niggers?

when dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking.

why dont sharks eat niggers?

they think its whale shit.

how was break dancing invented?

niggers trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars.

how do you blindfold a chink?

dental floss.

i aint racist in anyway just like the jokes.

[mat hudson]

bestes jokes ever

[Simpson]

Why dont you stick you hand in some jelly babys?

Cos' the black one might nick your watch

Whats great about the black music festival?

You know were to put the bomb

what do you call one paki on the moon - problem

what do you call 1000 pakis on the the moon - problem

what do you call all the pakis on the moon - problem sloved

what do you call a black person swimming round that just wont drown?

floater

What do you call a black man in a freezer

Chocolate??? (dont get that 1)

whats the difference between a fat bitch and a moped?

there both great fun to ride but you dont want your friends knowing about the fat bitch ill post up more when i remember them lol

[Dai the Socket]

This isn't a joke btw.

When amongst friends and the ethnic 'minority / majority' depending on where you live are around, I find refering to 'them' as lightbulbs helps. It's sly and random, but works pretty well.

Ie if you dispise one they're a 120 watter

Or if they're half cast they're more 60 watter.

Bah. Works for me and my mates. Gives us no end of fun 'cos you can talk what you think, without getting jumped by them, their mums / cousins / friends / distant relatives.

[Dan6061]

This isn't a joke btw.

When amongst friends and the ethnic 'minority / majority' depending on where you live are around, I find refering to 'them' as lightbulbs helps. It's sly and random, but works pretty well.

Ie if you dispise one they're a 120 watter

Or if they're half cast they're more 60 watter.

Bah. Works for me and my mates. Gives us no end of fun 'cos you can talk what you think, without getting jumped by them, their mums / cousins / friends / distant relatives.

Bit of a bump isn't it?

This thread is olllld..but good

EDIT: Can't spell

Edited January 20, 2006 by Dan6061

[Tony Harrison]

What do you do if you're in a field with 2,000 dead packies?

Stop laughing and re-load.

[Jules]

What happened to the blind circumsiser?

He got the sack.

[Rob_P]

What do you call a black man with a stutter?

Cacoon

[ManxTrialSpaz]

Two vultures sitting in a tree. One vulture sees a man in a wheelchair going down a hill. He taps the other vulture and says " Say, look Fred........ Meals on Wheels"

A definition of tight:

Putting a wheelchair user onto a train track just before a train arrives, apply the brake and shout "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TYRES!!!

A guy in a bar was telling a few jokes to his friends.

He asked them "In the Paralympics, which sport is this...", mimicking the throwing of a javelin, which was of course the answer.

Then he said "which sport is this...", mimicking throwing a shot put, which again was the somewhat obvious answer.

For his next sport, he simply hit his head with the flat of his hand repeatedy. The answer... Hurdles!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Edited January 20, 2006 by ManxTrialSpaz

[Dai the Socket]

Bit of a bump isn't it?

This thread is olllld..but good

EDIT: Can't spell

Only 4 minutes between mine and the previous post. So nope, my post wasn't much of a bump