The Childhood Stories Thread

[Dan6061]

Stop argueing about golf, and continue with the funny stories!

[Sam Ward]

Stop argueing about golf, and continue with the funny stories!

how about golf stories

[Dr. Nick Riviera]

One time I totally went to get out my 5 iron, but I actually got a sand wedge.

Boy did I feel silly.

[Tomm]

There's a good amount of fire-related stories in here. Here's mine.

When I was about 9-10 I lived in a small village in the countryside and there wasn't always a lot to do. I was slightly obsessed with fire, and me and my mate used to start fires out of dry grass etc, obviously they weren't very good. One of my jobs I did to help out at home was to mow the lawn, I quite liked doing that. Anyway, the lawnmower uses petrol and there was a spare fuel can in our garden shed (you can probably see where this is going). So, one day we stole a couple of empty jars from the kitchen, filled them up with petrol, and took them to one of the fields near my house.

We started a few fires by drawing lines with petrol and then setting them alight, which was quite cool. Then I came up with the genius idea of filling one of the jars up with petrol, and then setting it alight whilst still in the jar. Then the game was to take a few steps back, then run up and boot the burning jar across the field, at which point all the petrol would come out and start a nice patch of fire in the field. I don't know how neither of us got severely burnt by the petrol, that was such a stupid idea. Good times

[Fish-Finger-er]

I always view you as sensible medical student tomm, not twisted firestarter tomm, thats the last time i trust your advice for 3rd degree burns mister.

Right now for my stories, As kids we did the usual fire stuff, and the perhaps more unusual stuff, including smoke bombs, wed perfected the mix for smoke bombs by the time we where about 13, and used to fill anything we could with these bombs, used to cook them up on a camping stove in my mates garage, and then decant the sludge into pop bottle tops, little plastic paint pots from school(we used to like this, cos the paint would give some colour to the stuff,as well as burn on its own), used to make big ones out of tablet bottles and the like. used to set them off anywhere. (a pop bottle top sized one would fill a big room/toilet block with ease) we once made one in a mc donalds big mac tray, lined with kitchen foil, then went into town one night at about midnight when we claimed we wer campin out in a mates garden), lifted up a drain cover with a couple of big screwdrivers and a lot of youthful swearing. turned it upside down, and taped this probably 1/2 pound smoke bomb to the underside of the drain cover directly under one of the holes you stick the lifting keys in, with the fuse sticking about an inch proud, and taped it so it was as air tight as could underneath, we then put the cover back on, and retired to our tent, the next day, went down town, did rock paper scissors and we made one of the lads walk up to the fuse, light it, and run, wed totally overestimated how much smoke it created, and how it all came up, filled the entire street with smoke. Id never sh*t it so much in my entire life.

But that wasnt the end for big smoke bombs, wed got to the point where we cooking it in bigger batches, and even clubbing together and buying saltpetre in 5lb bags as opposed to nicking it from my mates grans shed. Wed learnt that using dye powder was effective as hell, and you could make 2 separate colours in the same batch by mixing the dye at the end, wed got it down to a tee, wed even stick a piece of card in the containers and stick one colour on each side. anyway one day we mixing up probably about 2kg of this stuff in my mates garage, just in blue, when his parents came back unexpected, so we just turned the stove off, hid the pan under some decorators sheets, and skulked off, little was thought of this, and it was never really brought up, wed just had to sneak a sauce pan out of someone elses house for the next few batches, as we were too lazy to hammer it out, and just left it this set blue smoke mixture in his garage. Probably 6 months later, we were messing round in his garage, with some fireworks, when one idiot lit a roman candle in his hand, realised wat hed lit and just lobbed it, we thought f**k this, and just ran out of his garage, shut the door behind us,and observed through the window, suddenly we saw flames, and thought "oh shit, best go back in, those dust sheets are going up", nex thing, the garage went slightly blue to say the least, for a good minute or so, this blue smoke billowed into the garage.coming out all round the door, we lifted the door, and it was like wed just flicked a switch, the whole garden was just full of blue smoke, on one of the stillest days known to man, took a good 10 minutes or so to clear, and a lot longer to clear out the garage.

Wed also got the hang of match head pipe bombs, 12 inches of copper or lead pipe, crush the end in a vice, fold it over, drill a tiny hole in the end, insert a firework fuse glued in there, turn it over, stuff with match heads, then crimp and fold over that end, youd then light it and run, of cause this got out of hand too, we used to stuff a small rocket in there too. However one day my best mate managed to set one of whilst making it in his kitchen, dont know how he did it,but it just went off in his hand,massive bang, bit of smoke, and a rocket flying into his Kitchen ceiling, we were quite lucky he hadnt closed both ends up, as it would of took his hand off.

Other notable stories include the knackered cars we used to buy, and rally up and down fireroads, a mate of mine, Sam whod got his license once rolled one into a field, rang us, we turned it over, and he drove it home with his head out the window as the roof was crushed in and the screen smashed.

Although i think probably the funniest thing we ever did, was when we were 15/16, 4 of us had been out drinking in the pubs,ended up sat down the side of the river with a few bottles, with the people who wernt gettin in the pubs, about 2am, the 4 of us decided we wer hungry, so we buggered off to get something to eat, not to a kebab or pizza place,but to a bit of a posh house with apples and pears in the garden, and a greenhouse full of strawberries. so we legged it up there, 2 of the lads went round the front to get in over the front gate, where its quiet, but you gotta run up in front of the house, and me and my mate went round the back, where it backs onto a main road, but you just have to get over a 6 foot wall, and youll literally in amongst all the trees.

I helped my mate onto the wall, he jumped over, and had only been in there about 20 seconds, when he was shouting "Kev, come here now" "Kev, i need your help", wasnt quite sure what he wanted, thinking maybe hed been spotted and the owner of the house was coming for us, i scrambled onto the wall, to see him dragging this 3-4 foot high statue of jesus across the lawn, so i jumped over and helped him, by the time wed got it to the wall, the one lad from the front whod come in had got there to help us, so we manhandled this statue of jesus over the wall, and carried it round the front, met up with the lad whod waited round the front, wed got no idea what to do with it.but we decided we take it back to town, so the 4 of us carried this statue about a mile into town, and by the time we were there, we decided we wer gunna dump it on an older lads step, and ring the bell and run. So we carried it up the hill, put it on his door, rang the doorbell, and hid behind a car, only issue was his Gf answered the door, and it wasnt quite as funny, so we just pegged it. next day we went up to see him, Saw his girl friend who muttered something about us is being c*nts, but stupidly funny ones, and she took us into the bathroom, where we where met by jesus, stood in the shower, with a plastic bag tied round his head. So we went down to see Pove, who was sat in the back garden, at this point he told us hed been in last night, as hed sampled LSD for only the 3rd or 4th time,so wer like "how come you put jesus in the bath, you want to lather him up with a sexy shower", When we wer told by his girlfriend, that he brought jesus in, layed him on the sofa, and let him watch Scarface with him, then about 20 minutes later, whilst she was outside having a smoke, he dragged him upstairs, and tied a bag round his head in the bath and had told her "Im putting him up here, and blindfolding him, I dont want Jesus to see me tripping"

I actually cried i laughed so hard.

Theres plenty more, which ill add a bit later on, including getting stuck out at sea, losing the ability to speak

[Revolver]

[Dan6061]

[Rich J]

Where we used to live there was a big green out the front of all the houses, it was only a little village so there weren't many kids but we all used to play on it. Anyway in the centre of this green there was a shed, rather old and wooden.

One of the older kids told us that an old man lived in there and he used to hit people who went near his shed. Needless to say being like 6 we all believed him and played around this shed with about a 10 metre clearance. Many a time would a speedy run to go grab a football that had gone to the shed be had followed by everyone going in for a few hours incase he came out.

One day truth or dare took place, "go knock on the shed and wait" noone except some slightly older girl would do it but her brother wouldnt let her go alone so they went while we hid behind cars, bushes and walls.

They walked up slowly and just knocked and as was dared, waited. Then they disappeared. We waited for what seemed like hours, was probably around 30 seconds to watch them reappear from inside.

We all ran over screaming what happened and such.

Turns out it was a tool shed for the people who looked after the green.

Gutted.

Stuck my finger in a ciggarette lighter in the car TWICE cos i was convinced I could take the pain.

[Revell-Bikes]

about 5-6 years ago, my friend had this masturbrating lubicract- took it and emptied it- then filled up with deep heat... 20 minutes later he came out of the toliet screaming, running up and down stark naked f**king priceless.

in the same year, to the same person, we filled up a bottle of water, mixed with laxivities then after footy, we would give it to him, he'd down it without knowing and then pulls a 10- hour shift at the toliets. poor bugger.

the pleasures of being in a boarding school great times.

[Si-man]

We filled a tub with petrol and lit it then belted it with a street hockey stick. That could have ended soo badly, luckily it didnt. Ended up setting fire to some guys wall and him chasing us down the alley way.

[Sam F]

I wish I could be you, oh no wait you correct people on something as f**king stupidly infinitesimal as whether someone can hit a ball 250yds or 200yds, how much of a bumpilot are you? I guess atleast you've all given us a insight to the massively shit life you lead.

Bov

[grant_hundley]

Bov

Errr, what?

[Sam F]

Bov

[Revolver]

Bov

Errr

D

perhaps

Edited December 13, 2008 by Bruce Lee

[Sam F]

Correct.

[anzo]

A couple of years ago we went to a bulk buy place...like Costcos but much cheaper.

Anyway, we got hold of a crate of red tipped matches for an idea we saw on the net. You get a tennis ball and cut a hole in to it, the smaller the better, you then cut off the heads of the matches and then insert them into the tennis ball...as many as you can. Once done you wrap some tape round the hole in the ball to seal it.

Go into a WIDE open space and throw it at the floor as hard as you can. We did this a couple of times and it never seemed to work...just as my friend was about to pick it up for another attempt the ball burst into flames - I've never seen anything produce so much some...it filled the car park and the street, even people coming out of their homes to see what had happened.

So much fun to make, but really time consuming.

[Fish-Finger-er]

A couple of years ago we went to a bulk buy place...like Costcos but much cheaper.

Anyway, we got hold of a crate of red tipped matches for an idea we saw on the net. You get a tennis ball and cut a hole in to it, the smaller the better, you then cut off the heads of the matches and then insert them into the tennis ball...as many as you can. Once done you wrap some tape round the hole in the ball to seal it.

Go into a WIDE open space and throw it at the floor as hard as you can. We did this a couple of times and it never seemed to work...just as my friend was about to pick it up for another attempt the ball burst into flames - I've never seen anything produce so much some...it filled the car park and the street, even people coming out of their homes to see what had happened.

So much fun to make, but really time consuming.

From making pipebombs, we got this down to a tee as well, lay the matches on a thin piece of wood, with just the head overhanging, duct tape them down to the wood, then use a corner of another piece of wood at a 45 degree angle, to smash the heads off, can just sweep them all up with a dustpan and brush, and get through a 1000 or so matches in 10 minutes.