Jokes

nicks · March 25, 2008

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of larger,
The barman seems surprised and asks the man if he's celibrating anything
the man replies yeah my first blowjob.
the barman thinking this is a good reason offers to give the man an eleventh pint on the house
'the man says don't bother if these 10 don't get rid off the taste nothing will

lol

Boyfreind and gilfreind go back to their house to have sex. When they go into the boys bedroom they find his lil brother sleeping on the bottom bunk. so they get in the top bunk and the girl says " i dont want to have a orgasum with you litle bro in the room" the boy says okay when you want to change postions say a name of a vegitable and when you want to stop say a type of bread. so they start having sex and the girl syas tomarto, lettuce, cucumber, brown bread. suddenly the lil bro wakes up and says can you two stop making sandiwches up their the mayo is dripping on my face.

LukasMcNeal · March 25, 2008

Righto, I get it now.
Well, some more jokes! Not really jokes, but weird questions...
//
Can you cry under water? No because its wet
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Dont know

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? WTF?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Better question is there heaven ?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Easier to manifacture
What disease did cured ham actually have? Curing makes ham better i think?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? ?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Because when babys are asleep they sleep beautifully
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? YES
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Because movies are in a cinema first
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? To see things futher in the distance
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Depends if they are changing into like hospital clothes
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Are you american by any chance? Because therye called knickers/thong
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Some people like burnt toast
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? No one cares about the question
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? Whats that?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? ?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! But therye not real are they?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? ?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Babys
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? No it comes from morals

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? No
Why did you just try singing the two songs above? ?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Who cares?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? No

Edited March 25, 2008 by spookylukey

Sonny Clarke · March 25, 2008

"In local news a cross-eyed teacher got fired from her school, aparently she couldnt control her pupils"

ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-ROFL-LOL-LMAO-

dreaming of a monty · March 25, 2008

Man driving down road, woman is driving up the same road. They pass eachother, man shouts out the window 'COW!', woman yells out window 'willy'. Woman drives around the corner and crashes into a huge cow, and she dies. If only women would listen :rolleyes:

A couple were sitting up, waiting for their sixteen year old son to come home. He eventually came in, with the biggest smile on his face.

"hi mum, dad. Guess what? I've just had sex for the first time, it was GREAT!"

His dad says

"That's great son! To celebrate i'll buy you that bike you wanted. But you'll have to wait until payday.

"Thats ok Dad," His son responded... "I can't ride it yet, my ass is still sore!"

What did 50 cent say when snoop gave him a handmade jumper?

G, u knit?

After her outburst on breakfast television, a psychologist has denounced that Heather McCartney is clearly unbalanced.

Sir Paul has phoned in saying 'normally a couple of beermats under her left foot does the trick'

When David Beckham scores, i drink Becks.

When Paul Scholes scores, i drink Skol.

When Tommy Miller scores, i drink Miller.

Thank goodness David Seaman was a goalie!

The 6 Truths of life:

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots after reading the first truth try it.

3. The first truth is a lie

4. You're smiling now, because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon be telling this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Paddy says to Mick one morning "Can you help me with this jigsaw? It's meant to be a tiger!"

Mick says "put the sodding frosties back in the box you thick twit!"

James-M · March 26, 2008

Stolen from a band called Chaos Days..... Savage but......
Whats the difference between an apple and a baby.......
You dont cum on a baby before you eat it.....

Isn't it, you don't come on an Apple before you eat it?!

D a n n y. . . · March 26, 2008

A man walks into a bar, and orders 13 pints and starts downing them all really quick!

Barman says, your drinkin them quick!

Man says, if you had what i have you would be too!

Barman says, why? what have you got?

Man says, 75p

twinky trials · March 26, 2008

The 6 Truths of life:
1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots after reading the first truth try it.
3. The first truth is a lie
4. You're smiling now, because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon be telling this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Lol that was good

anzo · March 26, 2008

An African miner is digging away when the mine collapsed and crushes his leg, his injuries are so bad he's leg has to be cut off to rescue him from the mine. He turns to his friend and says, "I'm f**ked! Who's going to want a one legged gold digger?!", his friend instantly replies, "Paul McCartney!".

dan_addison · March 26, 2008

An African miner is digging away when the mine collapsed and crushes his leg, his injuries are so bad he's leg has to be cut off to rescue him from the mine. He turns to his friend and says, "I'm f**ked! Who's going to want a one legged gold digger?!", his friend instantly replies, "Paul McCartney!".

ohhh nasty!

Danny Swindlehurst · March 26, 2008

your mums soo fat, when she fell over i tryed to swerve her in my car but i ran out off petrol

txt2007 · March 26, 2008

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his

grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in

bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and

went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's

Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again

the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went

out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked

his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied

"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh

and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you

they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on

here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my

bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

El Cristoff · March 26, 2008

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
haha

Funniest thing i have ever heard lmao

twinky trials · March 26, 2008

LMAO i agree ^^^^

LukasMcNeal · March 26, 2008

Haha some quality jokes in this Thread!

LukasMcNeal · March 26, 2008

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

NOW VALIDATED!

Edited March 26, 2008 by spookylukey

cheesy · March 27, 2008

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

best joke i know lmao

MikeyTrials · March 27, 2008

This man has a speech problem yeah

he walks into the baker and asks for the bum in the window (bum = Bun)

so he gets his bun and starts walkin down the road again, he walks into a diy store and asks for the f**ket on the shelf (f**ket=Bucket)

so he gets his bucket and starts walkin back down the road and sees a pet store and he really likes this dog in the window so he goes in can i have that cock and scratch it in the window (cock and scratch it = cocker spaniel) so he walkin home and his dog runs away he goes to a man can you hold my bum and f**ket till i get my cock and scratch it.

Haha lol

Mikey

lehman GU · March 27, 2008

a mum and her son are walking through a park and the see two people having sex on a bench.
the kid asks" mum what are those people doing?"
the mum not wanting to tell the kid what the people are doing due to the awkward questions it would raise says " they are making a cake honey"
the next morning the kid says to the mum " you and daddy were making cakes last night"
the mum asks" how do you know"
the kid says " because i ate the icing off the sofa this morning"

HAHAHAHA thats well grose

spaceman · March 27, 2008

A couple had been married for 40 years. And every night without fail, they made wild passionate love. But, every night, they would do it in the dark. It was the husband who insisted in switching off the lights. Every night the wife would ask why, and the husband would answer that their children are getting older so they must do it more discretely. What if one of the children suddenly come in suddenly? (despite the closed door)

So after 40 years, one night, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and saw the husband holding a cucumber in his hand. She exclaimed, so this is what you have been doing to me for the past 40 years?!

The husband answered, then how do you explain the two children?

mcinnes · March 27, 2008

Yo mommas so stupid, she invented a wheelchair with pedals.

Yo mommas so poor, i seen her walking down the road with only one shoe on, i then asked " lost a shoe? ", she then replied " nope, just found one "

Scott Norman · March 27, 2008

a 6 year old boy had an older brother and they shared a room
him and his girlfreind wanted to have sex
so they didnt want the 6 year old to understand so the said words of making sandwiches
bread!!!
lettuce!!!
ham!!!
cheese!!!
onions!!!
tomateos!!!
bread!!!
and the little boy said '' stop making sandwiches your'e spiling mayonase on my face.

Thats soooooooooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooooooooo old. That was around when i was like 9 lol

And its crap.

cai · March 27, 2008

What do you do if a bird sh*ts on your car?
Don't ask her out again

My nan's got that on the back of her bathroom door (its got two old men talking to each other, saying that, and it's all in black an white), just thought I'd share

Dale-Hill · March 27, 2008

My nan's got that on the back of her bathroom door (its got two old men talking to each other, saying that, and it's all in black an white), just thought I'd share

Bit random, Saying that

Adam-Griffin · March 27, 2008

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