You sure it's not your self conscience mind telling you all that? I've never had much luck yet with finding god or anything like that so have given up. I see it as something to keep hope and shiz not so much like a fake reality but yer, but now see it as in reality you're born, you live, you die - the end. Edit: Don't really know how to say it properly, but you sure it wasn't just the will power of yourself to get you through all of the stuff you've mentioned?