Prepare yourself, this could turn out to be a long one for the bored ones amongst us. As you might know i'm just getting back into riding after 18 months off the bike due to hurting my knee. Sure i rode a little at the very start of this year, between the two operations i had in December and March, but that was very limited as i'd actually had the main ligament in my knee removed totally in the first operation (my ACL). The last few weeks i've began riding again, and it's kinda hard. I'm so happy that i can start again, and by the feel of things, i'll get back to where i was, hopefully within six months if i have no further injuries, but it's pretty hard to come back, when i've changed so much physically and mentally. This ain't a moan, or anything, in fact, i'm not sure what this is for, but i just feel like i want to type what's going on in my head, like a diary i suppose lol. When i fell off originally, i went home. I thought i could maybe sleep it off, but the morning came and it became apparent that i needed to go to the hospital. I went there, took the day off work and got sorted. I had X rays and was sent away with a "come back in a week" style send away. I thought i'd be out for a few weeks, but that turned into a couple of months. It ended up that i would get so excited to go to the hospital to hear that i could begin riding again, but each time, the doctors said i'd have to wait longer, for more x rays, MRI scans, Arthroscopy's, ultimately, to find out if i'd damaged my main ligament. It was the hardest 6 months of my life, which might sound a bit OTT, but to go from riding every single day for 7 years, to not being able to ride at all, and in the first few weeks, not even walk, get up the stairs or get food from the kitchen and carry it to eh living room (becasue i needed crutches), all when i didn't know my future, was really hard. I found out almost 6 months after injuring my knee, that i did infact need surgery to replace my ligament. I'd researched all the while about the procedure's available, and knew what i wanted. Along with the surgeon we decided what option to go for. Things with the NHS move slow, and it was March of this year when i finally got the operation i needed, to replace the ligament (which had already been removed in a previous operation in December) with a piece of my hamstring out of the same leg. It went well and i was sent home 3 days after the op, leaving my morphene button behind at the hospital. Back to square one as far as the pain disruption of daily life went, but i was on the mend. This whole time i'd been forced to think about my life in general. Riding was my life, it gave me my friends, my happiness, my excitement, my future, and my memories, yet it took away my health, possibly my job, my parents peace of mind, and possibly my future. Was it worth it?? Well, when i felt positive about it, it made me more determined than ever to get back to where i was, and get better than ever. When i felt shit, the question kept creeeping back. A couple of months back i had a set back and thought i'd done it again. It was the first time i'd answered the question in my head. I thought that maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe i should call it a day. Without riding, i realised i had nothing to do really. I was told by James Brookes, another rider who'd been through the same thing, that i HAD to get away from riding when i was out of action. Something i didn't want to do, and didn't plan on doing, but over time, realised it was somehting that must be done. I had to accept what had happened, and get on with it. I conciously taught myself to think positively. Being annoyed at the past, things that were uncontrollable, was pointless. I decided to look at things and say "ok, it's happened, and i'm here, so i have to look forwards. Don't be annoyed at the past, be excited for the future. I started fishing with some good friends. Once i'd accepted things, i began to show up at riding events and skateparks and i was ok with not riding. It was just a case of waiting. A bit like a kid waiting for Christmas, it was cool. You know it's coming, but it's not here yet. Anyway, i've started again, but i'm out of shape. I have more fat now, i have less muscle. My left leg is really weak from the surgery, and my right leg is stronger than ever from the over compensation for the last 18 months. Even so, just sitting on a ramp with my mates is the best thing in the world. I'm beginning to get some of my better tricks back, one at a time. Friday i got my first 900 nosepick since i fell, Sunday i got 540 hurricanes back, and last night i got flips back. One step at a time i'm getting my passion back. Of course it's worth it, it's what i do, it's who i am and it's something i have to do for myself. I think i'd grow old regretting it if i didn't return to riding. So am i progressing?? I'm only learning things i've already done. Of course i'm weak and unfit compared to the past, but i'm doing nothing new. I'm only progressing because i regressed. It felt so good to do tricks I've missed over the last few days, but then I'd try others. In my head, I know how to do it, but then my body just won't do it right. It was disheartening to realise I'm not where I was. I almost forgot. I feel the same but I'm used to me! To step back and remember how I was made me think, shit, I'm nothing like I was. I think I'm a bit fragile mentally, about how things will go in the next few months. With so many set backs and let downs with the injury, now that it's going ok, it's hard to be totally optomistic when you know the implications of another injury. I'm so happy to be getting back, and I'm excited to see how I get on. I am determined to have more fun than ever, create even better memories than before and make sure I live with no regrets. I do believe that everything that happens, whether it's for a reason or not, can be used to teach you something, or allow you to enjoy your life more in one way or another. If i'd not fell, i'd never have got into fishing, and i doubt i'd have found motorbikes. Shit happens and it's down to yourself to turn it into good. There are no questions in this, I've typed it out, yet I'm still not sure why I have typed it! I think it's just nice to type out where you're at mentally sometimes! Maybe some people have been in similar situations and understand better than others. It's been one of the toughest things mentally that i've beeen through. I'm not a cryer, but i've cried plenty of times thinking i might not ever ride again, i've cried becasue even when i knew i would be able to ride again, it'd be in such a long time etc. I think I'd do it again if it got me to where I'm at now, despite all the shite involved, I love my life, and it's taught me a lot about how to deal with tough times, it's given me new hobbies, like fishing and my motorbike, I've met new friends from this, and I'm excited for the future. If you read all that, you have all my respect! Bongo
