1a2bcio8

Actually, suicide is known to be a notoriously difficult thing to succeed at - look it up. Yes there are methods which will mean certain death, such as throwing yourself off something high, but just because you want to die doesn't mean all methods of achieving that are open to you. Survival instincts, against something like heights, still operate even if the conviction for wanting to die also exists. The human psyche is a complex entity and not just reducable to certain parts such as the desire to die. Ever felt very confident you could nail a trials line but despite that fact still experienced fear and not been able to do it? It's a similar scenario.

Why does that even need to be mentioned or highlighted; particularly so if you like Hannah? And yeah, when people are suffering at intensity they can seek attention because it's an indirect way of trying to get support or human interest/feeling in their situation. Not much wrong with that when it's only a coping mechanism. Seeking attention when you're not suffering in that way isn't too healthy, I think, but that's not the case here.

Thanks for all the comments! Much appreciated

I think the point may be, Dave, that the act of naming the hallucination is a part of the illness. At least initially. Naming it thereafter, when not delusional, is just referencing the delusional period and not neccesarily the same condition of giving merit or realism to it.

This may not be something you like to hear but if you can manage to produce some amusement toward your situation this can often defuse a bit of the negative feeling about it. I know your circumstances are more extreme than my own, so I say this with some reservation, but I've found being able to sometimes laugh about my shortfalls, depression, addiction, etc. can be helpful. It doesn't mean you're not recognising how serious it is; only that you're just releasing some of its pressure through laughter, amusement, etc. Sometimes we can be too serious to the extent that it doesn't do us much good. It's certainly not an easy habit to get going but please bear it in mind. I think it's useful. I respect the fact that this might not be possible for you though at this point in time. Anyway I wanted to add my respect for your being honest in a public place about all this especially because it's such a stigmatized and misunderstood condition. All the best to you and you're recovery though. I think there's always a path to something better; we just have to find it.

Thanks Jon but I'm going to pursue the dmr bashguard route for now. What situation are you in where you can do that anyway? I thought you were on your way to lawyer land when we last spoke? Are you still riding at all?

Thanks for everyones help. It seems I'm going to have to take the route of the dmr bash. Couldn't find a suitable spider for that potential. If you could have a look Luke that would be awesome. Hopefully I'll win this bid at the weekend for a new otherwise you might be my only chance.

The cracks were in a czar crank arm so there's no warranty there. To get new middleburns with either of the bashguards is about £160-190. I can get a stiffer setup for nearly half that it's just that I have to wait and bid on an item.

Cheers JD and don't worry I have little motivation for debate at the moment. Umm, this is where we disagree again but I don't personally hold kids to be the most important thing. I'm not going to go into and explanation of my values though. I guess in the sense that as a parent you obviously influence the direction of your children's well being would be a very important motivator. I think it's possible, even with children, that I could still end up on codeine. Unfortunately my depression hits me rapidly and deeply and I lose perspective very easily. I have trouble managing my money as well amongst other things. If I reach a time when I'm thinking about kids and I'm still like this then I won't have them. The same goes for a relationship with a female. I'm just going to avoid them in this state of flux so nobody has to endure or be harmed by short comings. I shall work on my pro hermitage skills instead Good job mate with the honesty

Today we found 3 cracks in my drive side crank arm. I've decided to replace my current setup with some deity 3 piece cranks as new middleburns are stupidly expensive and I'm quite after a stiff setup. There's a slight problem to this however. There seem to be virtually no bash/chainring setups on offer for 3 piece cranks. On ebay I have found a "DMR ring thing elite" which will work (I used one years ago) but I won't be able to get it till next week after the bidding has ended - if I get it at all. That literally seems to be the only place they exist. To the bmxers out there; are there any 20 or 22t chainrings that permit a small bashguard? Or is there anything else out there at all? Help! (please)

Yeah I have been rambling about my depression a lot recently eh. In defence of myself though I would like to say that I don't think I flount my problems. It's just sometimes the forum is an easy outlet when others aren't available or working. It's usually slightly regrettable in hindsight though.

Sure and there's sense in what you're saying. Obviously he'd be healthier minus the drugs as would I. It's just a shame that it can be a really complicated and difficult thing for some of us when there's an emotional weakness. Talking about my problems with codeine is something I'd prefer not to discuss on a public forum but if it's in the service of helping other people understand these types of problem then I'll do it. It shouldn't really matter discussing it but no doubt it puts you in a negative light with some.

If we found it that easy then don't you think we'd do it? I've struggled with depression since I was about twelve years old and despite being somebody who does most of the right things in terms of good mental health I still struggle. I have a codeine (opiate) addiction I picked up from an operation I had about five years ago. I was given a load of codeine painkillers, for recovery, without being told that they were addictive. Not only did they ease my physical pain but they balanced my mood which is quite erratic. It then became quite easy to self-medicate for my mental health with painkillers. I've given up codeine and experienced the horrible week long withdrawal about 20-30 times. Whenever my moods alter and I lose my sense of perspective I find myself taking them again. They wreck my concentration (a lot of the stuff I write here has bad grammar, missing words, silly spellings, can be nonsensical, etc.), memory, riding ability, libido, energy, etc. so I pretty much hate taking them. Basically I would love nothing more than to be rid of this habit but I really struggle with it. It's unfortunate but some of us just aren't as skilled with certain aspects of our emotional life as everybody else. In the same way that different people have different levels of physical and intellectual skills, we have people with different levels of emotional skill. We don't expect everybody to be able to ride like Danny Mac and not everybody can neccesarily live up to the emotional skills of those around them. However this doesn't mean that there's not room for improvement just that for some it's a much more difficult and drawn out process. Maybe the tough love approach works though to motivate some

It just feels messy relative to what I'm after but my heads not really been in until today - first time in a few weeks I've really enjoyed riding and pushing myself. I'm really looking forward tomorrow though so I can get on with this vid that's basically all complete in my head. The Met says all good this weekend. Anyway, would be good if you can make it and my heads back to normal now so I'm well up for it. I guess we shall have to see. Thanks for both of your comments anyway.

Hello, I'll just voice my displeasure at this vid and get it out of the way. Yeah I'm displeased. Anyway, tomorrow I will have my own personal camerabitch, who I'm paying with lunch, to film the lines I'm really interested in. Maybe then I'll manage to derive some pleasure from achieving the filming and riding standard that I have in mind.

Really good in every respect. We need more vids like this eh

I appreciate what you're saying and despite the fact I subscribe to a lot of Buddhism I don't really feel the need to call myself a Buddhist or structure my life exactly according to what it teaches; so I relate to what you're saying in a sense. Although one day I expect I will probably join a Buddhist monastry and devote the rest of my life to meditation and the Buddhist path. Even Buddhism says that what it refers to isn't Buddhism so you don't actually need Buddhism. Buddhism in that sense never feels the need to gain members. In fact it's essential to not get hung up on the Buddhist system otherwise you'll miss the reality that it's pointing to. The analogy goes that Buddhism is the finger that points to the moon (enlightenment or end of suffering) and if we get too into the sytem we can end up mistaking (as enlightenment) the finger for the moon. However, what Buddhism will claim is that this problem of attachment, non-acceptance, delusion, etc. is very deeply rooted within us (attachment can be to status, sense of self, etc. which can be subtle) and although we may believe ourselves to be aware and living in accord with this way of thinking but actually we probably are only to a superficial degree. The process of breaking down the delusion is extremely difficult and requires a great deal of hardwork with meditation, mindfulness, etc. This is evidenced if we accept that there are levels of happiness, serenity, boundless love, etc. that Buddhists claim 'infinitely' exceed what almost everyone who calls themselves happy are experiencing. Buddhism is worth a look if you're interested in depth, with regard to being a happier, saner, more selfless person, etc. perhaps in an ultimate sense. Something else Buddhism or mysticism in general often says is that people who do have consistently happier lives within the common way of approaching the world probably won't turn to Buddhism. The attraction to Buddhism usually follows from the right blend of happiness and suffering. Suffering, to a certain degree, tends to make us much more refective and in a style that makes Buddhism appealing. As My Granger said to me on msn yesterday, this does have a kind of idealism to it (nowt wrong with that) but it's actually what we need to survive. If everyone could be content from having their awareness on the mystery of existence, boundless loving, etc. then we wouldn't, at worst, have as much of a problem with energy. As it stands, we narrow the direction of our interest toward having this (car maybe), achieving that (status maybe) and only loving those who come under the label of family or close friend, or girlfriend, etc. Logically it's obviously a loss for us all. The more interest and love you have the better you feel. It's really frustrating writing stuff at the moment. My head is really fuzzy so I hope that I'm still communicating something half decent here.

Actually Mark you said "small step" I think it's really fundamental though. Those examples you are giving become easy if our empathy follows from really feeling compassion, love, blah blah, etc. Those sorts of feelings offer us a strong centre whereby it becomes easy to do things for others even if they involve the sacrifice of our diet, car, whatever. I make this statement from certain experiences I've had that I mentioned earlier. Anyway, I can't continue. My thought process is f**ked and I'm having to read lines over and over to get anywhere with them.

I really like you summary; it's spot on. Very succinct as well. And with reference to your philosophy it makes sense. I think I probably need to take follow that sort of thinking a bit more. I'm not sure about how much you always have a choice of how you feel in a given moment but I think in a general sense of how you approach life you can really shape how you feel by how you behave and think about things. But I do think you have a choice about acceptance which is what I think you are kind've saying and Buddhism is also about this. The world is the way it is and that needs to be accepted and you're wasting your time fuming over that which you can't control. In a primary sense aside from humans the universe is exactly how it should be. Clearly I need to take that advice given my emotional response in this thread. Although acceptance doesn't mean indifference.

I think we will have to disagree there. I kind've feel that the type of attitude I associate with Buddhism, but obviously isn't just limited to it, is a substantial foundation for action. It's certainly something, that if absent, would mean inaction. No doubt it's not an end in itself though. Although if we all enjoyed looking at the flowers in the park rather than driving 4x4s, watching our big screen tvs, etc. the situation might be a bit different aside from any conscious action

Sure and that's part of the reason I will argue for Christianity when many people want to disregard it completely. Yet even if there is some nonsense (and there is within Buddhism) there's lots of good with Christianity. Christ was a decent man, probably a mystic, who was up for the equality of women, the giving of love, etc. It's another problem of language but people always confuse parts with wholes. I think this does have something to do with energy in the sense of "what are we doing about?". Although it's not entirely direct, these types of ideas will inform the type of direct action you take. Buddhism is about compassion and through that we then consider future generations, etc. and make movements toward some supportive action. You might find this a weak argument though

I'll give you a brief summary seeing as I'm compusively stuck posting stuff within this thread. Basically the idea within Buddhism, as expounded the Buddha (awakened one), is that the conventional way of looking at the world will cause us to suffer. Basically we're a bit confused about the nature of the world and that leads us to become attached to various 'things' that are never permanent and at some point they break down causing us to suffer. The stuff that breaks down is us (death), bike parts, abilities and status (through old age) and so on. The solution within Buddhism is the acceptance of this fact through intuitively knowing it in each moment. This stops you getting attached to anything in the first place thus avoiding a sense of loss and then suffering because of it. Not being attached to another human being does't mean indifference though. In actual fact it allows you to love because this knowledge makes selfishness, greed, etc. not possible because they are seen to be based on a confusion will I will part elaborate on below. Basically part of the problem of suffering is the fact that through language and constantly refering to temporary forms (person, bike, etc.), with an unchanging, word gives the impression that it is permanent. Thus calling me Ben all the time gives the impression that there is something fixed about me (an essence, unchanging quality, soul, etc.) that exists through the fact that within my lifetime all the atoms of my body will have been replaced several times. I am a process and different in each moment as is the rest of the world. There is nothing permanent yet we forget this and take it as such and we do all sorts of crazy things as a consequence. And then we suffer. When we know this in the deepest possible sense, greed becomes pointless, as does fear and so on. There is nothing to have and there noself that can have anyway. There is nothing to fear and noself to be harmed anyway. There are just transient processes; the understanding of which is infinitely rewarding. I hope that's an alright intro and I hope I haven't put you off through being incoherrent or verbose. Too many drugs atm. I recommend reading "The Foundations of Buddhism" by Rupert Gethin for the most lucid introductory account of Buddhism that I've read. He was actually my lecturer and meditation teacher at uni. Awesome guy and it shows within the book.

Well, that makes me think the philosophies were being used, to a significant degree, for the purpose of pretension rather than a sincere insterest in understanding. You can, after all, have a philosophy like a sports car in a sense. There's a lot of that in the world of philosophy and probably academia in general. I know the current trend in universities is that they actually play a quite conservative role in developing ideas which are usually guarded to maintain somebodies position in the community. In that sense that if an idea fails the individuals who have commited themselves to it also fail. Shamefully that losses the better point of developing ideas and replaces it with a boring game of status. Yeah, the reincarnation bit I can appreciate putting people off especially when they've come from dealing with the metaphysical god of Christianity. The thing is, when existing within such an awesome system of thought, I'm willing to allow it some potential. Although I just don't really think about it because doing so isn't that pertinent to the practice of getting rid of suffering. Perhaps I'll come across an experience that validates it and perhaps not. Whatever.

But knowing that surely you're in a better position not to fall into the same trap? You're always going to have a philosophy of some sort, consciously or otherwise, but exploring others can offer something a bit saner. I'm currently sitting with Buddhist philosophy but if something else that seems more rational, sane, etc. comes along I can potentially drop that. As it stands though I'm quite confident that Buddhism is offering me a potential well beyond the mainstream philosophy which is unfortunately filled with selfishness, greed and like Matt said, fear. Interestingly though, with regard to Buddhism (and therefore meditation), it's a system which is set to go beyond itself. Its 'truth' or end is the breaking down of all philosophies so that one might see things how they are undistorted by the projections of our ideas onto our experience. The philosophy of Buddhism is a paradox in the sense that it says not to trust philosophy. In between that point and the common philosophy though is, I think, better and worse philosophies in terms of sanity and well being. But yeah, just blindly adopting another philosophy isn't neccesarily going to offer you anything better. It has to be considered. And one more thing. Part of my subscription to Buddhism leads me to perceive self elevation as rather pointless and based on delusion. So I, at least try, not to do it because sat here at this moment it just seems silly. Kind've like what Matt is getting at above although I'd place it in the terms that there is really no such things as better or worse, which are really just conveniences of abstract reference. The reality they ultimately point to is not the same as the social abstraction we make about them. edit: I gotta stop getting involved in all this stuff especially as I already said I'd stop. It's too energy consuming

Your point probably includes me so I would like to give a quick response. I think the terms Matt has used (brainwashed, etc.) are quite applicable to people in general although I would also like to apply them to myself - I don't know what Matt thinks about that with regards to himself? - but with a consideration of degree. I will claim about myself, although not as a means of self elevation, that I think I'm not quite as brainwashed as other people. I've spent a lot of time reading alternative philosophies, meditating, etc. all of which help break you out of more socially constrained thinking. Based on what I've heard from Matt I would suggest something similar of him. Also, some of us, although still somewhat entrenched in that which we criticise, are constantly making the difficult movements away from it. I wouldn't claim the change I support to be easy and in that sense, just holding the philosophy, doesn't mean an instant and easy change into the respective activity. I really don't see anything wrong in criticising that which needs to be criticised (because it's unhealthy, insane, etc.) even if we're still caught up in it. It's always the first step of changing it. But yeah, if somebody judges other people for this and makes no or very little effort themselves or even just holds onto the idea to elevate themselves above others then that is no good. But still being caught up to some degree with what you're criticising is not neccesarily synonymous with that. I've been approaching this thread in the wrong way and I know that but I'm allowing my personal problems to affect me. I've needed to vent and picking on people that seem to be more, contextually, caught up in selfishness than me are easy targets, especially when you feel social sanity and well being to something of the utmost importance. I usually try to be more understanding and considerate in my contributions and I hope that comes across. You don't really get anywhere by being a dick I hope this makes sense. No doubt there's repetition, bad grammar, etc. but I'm a bit f**ked up at the moment and it's hard to tell even when I try and read back.